Over the past few years I have been fortunate enough to be
surrounded by some amazing and dynamic women who have been positive influences
in my life spiritually, professionally, emotionally and intellectually. I have learned a great deal from them and
have always wanted to somehow package and share all the beautiful lessons I have
learned. So this time I decided to formally approach some of the women in my
life with one simple question: “If you
had the opportunity to share one piece of advice with your younger self, what
would it be?” I was both overwhelmed and excited by their responses and
thought it would be great to share some of the advice I received in two
separate postings.
A dear friend of mine Dr. Susan Stemmler, PhD, CNM who is a
Women’s Health Specialist and Nurse Midwife in Los Angeles shared with me some
wonderful pieces of advice on how women can combat negative thinking.
She begins….
“A friend asked me to write what I thought might be a good
piece of advice for young women. I pondered just a bit and began to remember
when I was a young woman. Granted, times
were different, but people are still people, and young people are probably more
the same than different as young adults.
So, I recalled when I was a young woman of about 20. I wanted to make my own way, to make a
difference in the world, and to be thought of as an adult. Is that so different from now???
Most times things happened as I expected, but there were
times when things were out of my control. Occasionally, I felt bad when things did
not turn out how I envisioned them. Usually, it was easy to regroup and try
again or adjust how I was doing something to make it work again.
Then, on a rare occasion I thought it was all going wrong! Shot
to ***!! When it happened it was worse
when it involved people I cared about.
With things, I never got so upset.
But with people, what I did or said or thought, always seemed to be an important
thing.
Trying to deal with the problem, I would think about it, and
then rethink it over and over and over.
I found that sometimes I had thoughts that would begin to eat away at
me. The thoughts hurt. They took my
confidence away, and they made me think I was bad or wrong or at least not my
strong self.
What I needed to learn was that all the negative talk in my
head wasn't necessarily true!
Much of the time, our minds make things seem much worse than
they are!! Our minds exaggerate the bad! Crazy mind, it plays judge, jury and
executioner, all at once. For some of
use, it is actually harder to accept the good about ourselves than to think we
are at fault. I think this happens more
to women than to me (just my thought!) Women
want to do right, be right, and think we are kind, whether we are or not! Anyway,
back to the negative talk. Negative head
talk is super critical. It takes a toll on
our self-esteem. To get past this life
sucking, miserable feeling, we need to learn is how to tell the difference
about what is really going and what is exaggerated by our minds. Notice what your mind tells you, our minds
usually like to do the same things over and over again. ASK yourself--Is it exaggerated negative talk
or did I act wrongly, unfairly, or ________( You can use your own word to
describe your action.)
So, when this happens, there are some RULES to remember. Most of the time they work.
Remember your
perspective. A poor judgment isn't the end of the world. Everybody makes a poor decision from time to
time--It's a human thing! We need to forgive ourselves for getting involved in
a funky situation.
Evaluate. Usually
the problem isn't nearly as bad as we thought! Most mistakes can be corrected.
Do the right thing.
If there is a way to fix it, then fix it. Do what you can to make a correction.
Remember the “Sands
of Time.” Sometimes, things do really turn out crummy. The crummy only lasts for a while. It’s a
really heavy burden to carry a mistake around; it slows us down, and gets in our
way. Anyway, things, whether they are bad or good, all go away in a very short
time.
See it for what it
is. Reliving a situation over and over again in our minds is self-destructive.
Apologize. Usually
it helps to say I am sorry. Saying “I’m sorry” gives the other person an
opportunity to reconsider who you are! They give themselves another chance to
experience you. So you get a fresh
start, to be the “good person they originally thought you were. Other people
have very short memories. People forgive and forget far sooner than we forgive
ourselves, most times.
Give yourself another
chance. Say, I forgive me! Say, I messed up, Say, I made a mistake. I’m
human. Then… say a positive affirmation, repeat it again and again, “I am a
good person, and I forgive me.” When we forgive ourselves, we make a
decision that allow us to move on.
Learn from a mistake.
It helps when we learn from our mistakes.
Most of us know not to do that one again, ‘cause we already know the
crummy outcome. So we learned!
Then, move on. That is a
great thing about being human, we can move on.
We move on to be better human beings for having made the mistake. It was what we learned after making the
mistake that makes us wise. We learn to
trust ourselves to make a better choice for the next time.”
Ann Kiki Anaebere, RN, PhD
is a nurse and educator.
Ann currently holds the RN Quality Improvement position at Denver Health
Medical Center/Medical Plan. In this role Ann works collaboratively to support
and develop initiatives to improve key national health measures for Denver
Health's medical insurance plans. Ann also oversees the National Committee
for Quality Assurance (NCQA) Multicultural Healthcare (MHC) Accreditation
process for the Health Organization. Finally, Ann is also a Professional
Speaker through the HealthEDProject (www.healthedproject.weebly.com).
