What’s holding you
back from being all that you can be?
Maybe it’s low
self-esteem.
Healthy self-esteem is the
foundation of your life. Whether or not you succeed in reaching your goals
depends on the level of your self-esteem. Feelings of low self-worth and low
self-confidence can hold you back from having all the success that you desire
because unconsciously you feel that you don’t deserve it.
This is because the
hallmark of healthy self-esteem is feeling deserving of having the good things
in life. Feeling deserving means you have an expectation that what you need and
ask for will be provided. If you suspect that you don’t think you deserve that
good job, promotion, or pay raise that you desire, then perhaps you’re not
considering everything that you have going for you.
In my blog posts over the
last two months you looked at self-esteem in terms of your positive traits, the
ones you take pride in and are reinforced for expressing. You also considered
whether you could be overusing these positive traits and limiting your
self-expression.
This month you’re going to
be exploring negative traits, the ones you wish you didn’t have. From these
traits your feelings of guilt and shame originate. They are often referred to as triggers since,
when your behavior is labeled as one of these, you feel triggered to respond
defensively either outwardly in words or actions, or internally through
self-criticism.
To begin, select five of
the negative traits in the box below which you believe describe you.
Lazy, rigid,
fearful, cold, confused, bland, timid, distracted, afraid, nervous, uncaring, stingy,
sad, inconsiderate, inflexible, incompetent, disappointing, unconcerned, unsure,
unpleasant, thoughtless, unimaginative, apathetic, indecisive, disloyal, uncertain, uncommitted,
rude, tactless, lethargic, indifferent, strict, ineffective, unfeeling,
sluggish, unenthusiastic, unfaithful, fearless, lax, inflexible, unforgiving, unfriendly,
boring, tightfisted, cruel, unhappy, unhealthy, pessimistic, dishonest, bold, dull,
blunt, unimportant, cautious, indifferent, stupid, boring, stubborn, selfish, depressed,
unfair, unkind, ignorant, illogical, lonely, unlovable, unloving, unlucky, petty,
unmotivated, nervous, narrow-minded, disorganized, shy, dull, impatient, insensitive,
subdued, negative, impractical, irrational, unrealistic, disrespectful, irresponsible,
unaware, stern, hostile, constrained, cowardly, weak, untalented, quiet, hard,
thoughtless, intolerant, untrustworthy, untruthful, unsympathetic.
·
First, where do these labels originate?
Examine them one by one. For example, who first called you lazy, stubborn, or
selfish? Chances are it was someone important in your life such as a parent, teacher,
or other important adult. Who calls you thoughtless, rude, or indecisive now?
·
A clue to where each label originated is to
ask yourself how old you feel when someone calls you one of them, or when you
feel like you are one of them. Chances are that is the age at which you began
to feel shame over one of these traits.
·
Do you work hard to be the opposite so that
no one will label you? For example, do you work hard to be flexible – even when
it isn’t in your best interests – so that you don’t run the risk of being
labeled stubborn? Do you find it hard to relax because you don’t want to give
anyone cause to see you as lazy?
·
Consider whether each of these labels is
accurate and true from your personal perspective. Do you believe it in your
heart? Isn’t stubborn just a negative way of saying you stick to your beliefs
and don’t waver? And isn’t lazy simply a negative way of saying you take care
of yourself by relaxing and taking time for yourself?
By examining each of your
triggers – and finding a positive way of viewing each one – you take the sting
out of the shame you feel over them. Look upon this simple exercise as a small
step towards a new, more confident YOU!
Ellen Diana is a psychologist, author of the Lucky
Dreamer Tip Series, and co-author of the Charge
up Your Life series of self-help books. She has
30 years’ experience working with children, adults, couples, and families in
schools and in private practice in Scottsdale, Arizona. Helping women to evolve
into their best selves through personal growth and self-awareness is a passion
of hers. Ellen raised three successful children as a single parent and so has
special interests in mentoring other women in transition and helping parents to
raise resilient children. Contact Ellen at drdiana@ellendiana.com or through her website www.ellendiana.com
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